Hidden Consequences
by seerstella
Summary: Nanao writes a letter for someone from his past. Translation of 'Hukuman Tersembunyi'. Ku/Nana. Warnings inside.


Finally, the postman stopped in front of his house.

"This is for you, Satonaka-san."

The man in his forties who was called Satonaka merely took the offered mail. Since he was no longer teaching, he rarely talked, and his expression was always as gloomy as the colour of his hair. But his expression suddenly shone in something indescribable, and it looked close to happiness.

"Thank you."

The postman didn't really answer, only nodded and hurriedly left, most probably surprised that he'd triggered words from someone who was usually so silent. Satonaka couldn't care less. With shaky hands, he opened the letter as his legs took him back into the house.

* * *

><p><em><span>Satonaka-sensei,<span>_

_You might think you don't deserve the 'sensei' part anymore. I once thought so, and Aikawa did as well. But I realize that you've once been my teacher, and my friend. So... I think you still deserve it._

_I guess you know that I'll write you this letter, and maybe you know why..._

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><p>.*.<p>

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Warui Koto Shitai series (c) Sakuraga Mei. I own nothing but the story.

Rating: R

**_"Nanao writes a letter for someone from his past."_**

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><p><strong><span>Hidden Consequences<span>**

**Seer M. Anno**

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><p>Pairings: KuonNanao, minor!Mikado/Towa, Hajime/Kimiko, Nagahisa/Yuu.

Genre: AU. Angst. H/C.

**Warnings: Slash, possible OOCness, mentions of rape/molestation, depression (cutting and eating disorder)**

A/N: Many thanks to Hermina05 for plot ideas and being such a dear. Translation from 'Hukuman Tersembunyi', which was written for BiweeklyPrompt 5 ('...when this letter arrives, I'll be…') from Asha D.

_sentence_ = thoughts

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><p><strong><em>One and a Half Year Earlier<em>**

Nanao was acting strange, so strange that the word 'strange' itself became such an understatement.

After he came home at dawn, drenched to his bones and got a fever because of that, he changed. He was never the same. He recoiled when Kuon tried to touch his shoulder, and Kuon had to jump back when Nanao almost hit him for attempting to kiss his dark hair.

"What's wrong?" Kuon demanded after two days of similar behaviour, gripping the wooden armchair he was sitting on. Those armchairs would never be able to replace Nanao's slim, warm shoulders, but judging the way Nanao flinched at any kind of touch, Kuon realized that he had to refrain from doing what he actually wanted. "What happened, Nanao-san? Did something happen to you?"

"Get out." It was the only answer.

"Nanao-san." Kuon dared to stand and sit on his bed. Nanao cringed for the hundredth time and scooted as far as possible, eyes widened in total fear. He looked like a wounded puppy which had lost any faith towards human. "Nanao-san, what happened? You don't need to think about Kae anymore! Hey, Nanao—!"

"GET OUT!"

It was Kuon's turn to jump from the bed.

Nanao sighed. "Just go... Aikawa, _please_," he continued weakly. He suddenly felt tired, exhausted even.

"I…"

"Get out, and don't come back here anymore. I don't want to see you again."

Kuon, in his shock, finally obliged and rushed out, slamming the door in the process. Nanao slid and burrowed himself under the blankets, tears streaming down his cheeks like twin waterfalls. He cried for a long time, his thoughts merely screamed two cruel sentences at him.

_You suck, Nanao. You can't even take care of your own body._

* * *

><p><em><span>…I think I should tell you a bit about what happened. You do know that what you did could scar me, right? A very deep scar, to be precise?...<span>_

* * *

><p>The first time Nanao used a razor on his skin was when Towa brought his first time cooking for Mikado. The Aikawas' youngest child always kept that happy spirit (and naïveté) inside him, and it never failed to brighten any situation. Well, after what happened, the childlike charm failed on Nanao. But it always worked... at least to Mikado, judging from the way he smiled at his boyfriend. Every time Nanao saw Mikado smiling, a small but genuine and happy one, he could feel the usual tremor on his hands.<p>

_I don't remember doing the same with Aikawa._

He suddenly stood and left the dining room without any sound. All he knew was he had to _leave_.

"Nanao-san?"

Nanao stopped and didn't look back, because he knew who called him. In a matter of seconds, Towa stepped in front of him, repeating the nickname. _Stop calling me Nanao-san_, he thought.

"Nanao-san…" Towa looked nervous, and Nanao felt the urge to hit him—or the wall behind him—for calling him that again. "Ku-nii wanted to come today but… I don't remember—oh! He has more assignments to do today! He tried to leave but he couldn't so—"

Nanao couldn't stand it anymore, for he knew full well why his boyfriend didn't come today.

_He knows what happened and now he hates you for kicking him out. You're so damn worthless, Nanao._

Nanao ran, leaving Towa who was still busy calling for him. "Hey, Nanao-san! Wait!"

_Don't call me that! You're just like your brother!_

He didn't know how, but soon enough he found himself in the bathroom. He hurriedly turned on the tap and washed his face. When he looked up, he almost didn't recognize the person reflected on the mirror. He needed a while to realize that it was himself.

_Who's that pathetic person over the mirror? Can you see how red his eyes are? And how that purple bags under his eyes are as dark as his hair? He's so pathetically pale and thin! He's no longer beautiful!_

Nanao laughed bitterly at the cruel, stupid thought, and his gaze landed on the razor in front of the mirror.

_Just do it._

Nanao took the razor with shaky hands. He stared at it as if he'd never seen it before when a thought rose in his mind. He'd heard about 'cleansing', when someone felt the razor would cleanse whatever bad thoughts they'd been thinking about. And that was surely what he needed: something to make him forget.

_Just do it. You know you're pathetic, remember? Besides, Aikawa's no longer here to comfort you, to tell you it isn't your fault when you well know it is! You two don't get into the same classes this semester, so you won't be seeing him again._

The razor felt cold, and Nanao was smart enough to pick a place which wouldn't endanger his own life as he placed its blade on his arm.

_Don't die first. You deserved all the suffering for being that clumsy about your call history and thus getting yourself into Sensei's house that night. Besides, Aikawa detests people who can't take care of their own bodies. Do you think you can look at his eyes n—?_

"SHUT UP!"

The first cut didn't hurt at all, but it left Nanao a panting mess as if he'd just run for miles. Blood streamed down from his arm and dirtied the dark-coloured mat under his feet. He slid to the floor, waiting for his mind to speak, to throw insults at him. But oddly, nothing came out.

He slowly stood and picked a roll of bandage from the medical box behind the mirror. "What did I just do?" he muttered. He'd hoped that his mind would talk again, but quietness was the only answer. Until the time he walked out the bathroom, covered the scar with the bandage and his long sleeve, his mind kept its silence.

He needed some time to realize that the 'cleansing' story was true.

And it made him happy.

* * *

><p><em><span>…If only Aikawa knew that I wrote this letter and said that what you did was actually based on your love, he surely would go berserk. But that was how I thought about it back then…<span>_

* * *

><p>Kuon did his best to catch him after classes, but fortunately Nanao was smart in the matter of hiding. After changing his phone number and begging to Kimiko, Kuon was forbidden to come to the Shirahane household. As weird as it was, Nanao wasn't happy to hear that. He locked himself in his bedroom, but he still could hear Kuon's voice every day, begging for a permission to enter.<p>

_He's so much like Kiryu-senpai now, with Nee-san forbidding him to come in. He used to love you so much, you know._

"Love?" Nanao muttered to himself. "What's that?"

_Love is like when Sensei touched you. He's been in love with you for a long time, Nanao. He was the only one remained from your one-night-stand exes. But you chose Aikawa. You're the one carrying the burden now. You deserve it._

That repeated itself like an endless circle. Nothing really changed, except the fact that Nanao found refuge in his razor. When his mind had been too much, his arms would get fresh scars on them. All of them were covered under bandages and long sleeves, even from his two siblings. And Nanao was grateful that nobody noticed.

"Nii-san, let's have lunch," Mikado called when Nanao walked past the dining room.

Nanao walked away, even though his stomach practically screamed for being neglected since yesterday. He'd dreamed about Kuon and his rare smile, and his mind hated it.

_You surely have a nerve to keep thinking about him, don't you remember what happened to you when you still love him?_

Nanao didn't speak; he merely cut his arm and went to college. He didn't speak to anyone and hid when he heard Kuon calling for him. So, for him, everything had been better for Nanao, until around a month after he broke up with Kuon. It was when Kimiko went home with that man and a rare sparkle on her eyes.

_Even your cold but flippant sister has found her love. You're the only one failing your relationships._

His name was Hajime Yukimura, the older brother of Mikado's best friend. He was cheery and had a bit of narcissism in him. He was a type of person who was likeable from the start, but Nanao didn't like him for two reasons. First, he was a doctor, and second, because he had that stare of his which felt as if it could see through someone. Nanao didn't want him to see whatever hidden scar he had on his arms and considered him either insane or needed some help.

_You're as normal as he is, _his thoughts always pressed, and Nanao agreed.

"Nii-san!"

Nanao flinched when Mikado gripped his scarred arm. Grimacing from the pain, he automatically wrenched his arm free.

"Nii-san! You haven't eaten since yesterday; do you want to get sick or something?"

_A kid like you won't understand!_

That thought felt so painful Nanao didn't dare to look at his little brother's eyes. He merely turned back and walked towards the bathroom, the same words echoing in his mind. He'd never thought Mikado as a kid, since he was much stronger than he was. Mikado was like Kuon, strong and courageous and could stand up for himself. He wondered where on earth that thought came...

_Just admit it, Nanao. He's better than you. Ironic, isn't it? A big brother under his little one's shadow. You're simply worthless._

Nanao took his razor, and remembered something else. Today, Hajime would come to take his sister for a date. Nanao didn't want to see him.

_What a bad day, right, Nanao? Aikawa keeps chasing you, you dreamed about him, Mikado touched your scar, and now Nee-san will go dating. She really likes him, you know._

Nanao only shut his eyes when the blade slid on his old, dried wound. He lifted his head and stared at his own reflection on the mirror, remembering Kimiko's thin smile when Hajime cracked some jokes.

"I'm happy for you, Nee-san," he muttered to himself and smiled. It was his first smile since that night.

* * *

><p><em><span>…People said I changed drastically after that night. I didn't want to be touched. I starved myself. And I didn't even realize that I found joy from hurting myself. I indeed had fallen that low, Sensei…<span>_

* * *

><p>"Nanao?"<p>

Without waiting for any sign of permission, Kimiko walked into her first brother's room and sat on his bed. "Nanao, are you alright?"

Nanao had to refrain from flinching as his sister attempted to touch him. He merely sat back and forced a smile. Since the incident with Mikado two days ago, Nanao had found his smile again.

_It was easy, to smile. You only needed to cut your arm._

"Mikado told me you only ate a bit of bread this morning. What a troublesome child..." Kimiko always treated her little brothers like children, but Nanao never really minded. "Here. A _bento_ from Aikawa-kun."

A shrug was Nanao's only answer, and Kimiko stood. She put a box covered in cloth on his desk. "I hope you've eaten when I get home."

She left. Nanao stared at the _bento_ for almost an hour—it was confusing that he hadn't got sick because of that—and finally, after his empty stomach screamed in sorrow for the umpteenth time, he took the box with shaky hands.

"The Aikawa brothers cook well, indeed," he commented as he stared at the neat _bento_. A piece of paper fell onto his hand, along with the cloth.

Nanao-san,

Aniki made this _bento_ for you. Shirahane-kun told Towa you rarely eat, but as much as I want to, I can't really cook for you. I'm sorry. I really have to take more classes this semester to replace my old ones that I didn't take last semester. Do not worry, it isn't your fault.

I still don't understand what happened to you, what's happening to you, but I want you to know that I will never, ever, leave you. I told you, I have a habit of not letting go whatever I have in my hands.

Aikawa

Nanao tore it and threw the pieces away. He could hear his mind snickering in Satonaka's voice, something which wasn't novel for him anymore. He could feel the urge to throw the _bento_ as well, and then he could run to the bathroom to 'cleanse' himself again. But his stomach got the better of him.

With an abnormal speed, he devoured the delicious meal before running to the bathroom.

* * *

><p><em><span>…But I'm really grateful that there are many people who never give me up, even though I've given up since the start. I only tried my best to look as normal as possible, because if I change, they'll worry about me and I don't want that to happen…<span>_

* * *

><p>This continued unnoticed for three months. Kuon left many letters in Nanao's classes, between books he accidentally left, and the <em>bentos<em> just like a jealous girlfriend (which was ironic, considering who played the girlfriend part in their former relationship). All of them, sadly, ended up in the garbage can. Nanao could still hide from him, and he also knew Kuon wouldn't dare to do such a thing like dragging him out the class in a middle of a lesson.

So he was okay.

Nanao also didn't want to eat anything but Nagahisa's _bento_, because Kimiko always put it in front of his eyes and his suffering stomach couldn't bear it anymore. It was possible that Nagahisa knew about Nanao's liking towards his cooking, thus he cooked everyday. Kuon did too sometimes, and he also didn't want to give up on Nanao, judging the way he put his letters in the meal, even though Nanao wouldn't even look at it.

Until one day, Yuu Kashiwagi, Towa's friend with hair accessories and adoration towards Nagahisa, came with the usual _bento_. Nanao could hear him talking with his sister on the doorway.

"The school pres' still at school," he explained the reason why he was there. He didn't change much, listening from his voice. His tone still contained the same irritation and jealousy towards Kimiko. "And you know how Towa'll act near him. So… here I am. Me and Hisa-nii cooked this together, you know."

Nanao could hear his sister's annoyed sigh, and he couldn't stop smiling. "You're such a rude child," she responded. "Send Nagahisa-san my thanks."

"You see... Shirahane-san, I'm the one who have him now."

"Who?"

"Hisa-nii."

"Oh, goodness." Kimiko snorted. "Stop that. I'll only tease him once in a while, okay?"

"Don't you even dare!" Nanao heard Yuu's mocking laugh following the earlier threat. "You're dating my health teacher now, just stay away from Hisa-nii."

Kimiko was silent for a long time, and Nanao knew Yuu also felt the awkwardness from it. He could understand that boy, who was now in love with someone loud and panicky like Nagahisa. Of course long silence wasn't his thing.

"So, here it is. You should learn cooking yourself, Shirahane-san." Nanao could hear his footsteps nearing the gate. He wondered where did Yuu know about Kimiko's dreadful skill of cooking. "Oh, Shirahane-san?"

"Hm?"

"The one who hurts themselves is usually the gentlest."

Nanao knew exactly who Yuu meant, and he froze. His mind, as if on cue, spoke out, shoving him into a harsh, cruel truth. One that he was always agreed on.

_You don't hurt yourself and you never do. You only take the responsibility of what you've done that night._

Kimiko didn't answer for a long time. When she finally did, all that came out was, "I know. Go home, weird child."

Inside his room, she only put down the _bento_ and said with a curt tone, "Just tell me if something happens, Nanao."

Nanao appreciated that, but he knew Kimiko would hate him as well as he hated himself.

_Who'll love a tainted little brother? And by his teacher, no less!_

Nanao opened the _bento_'s cloth and smiled as he realized that Nagahisa has made his favourite meal. As usual, Kuon's letter was with the _bento_ and Nanao saw the big words before he had the chance to tear it up.

I LOVE YOU COMPLETELY, NANAO-SAN.

"You're lying!" he screamed, throwing the box from his lap. It hit the wall and fell with a loud clang, spilling its contents on the floor. Kimiko who heard it hurriedly ran into her little brother's room, but Nanao was too caught up in the demons of his mind to notice.

_He's lying to you, Nanao! Who'll love you in times like this?!_

"Shut up!"

"Nanao!" Kimiko shouted, grasping his two thin shoulders as Nanao slid to his knees on the floor. She gaped when she saw the sleeves of his grey shirt started to show stains of blood from the opened cuts.

_Nobody loves you! Aikawa's only protecting what's his! He doesn't love you, he's possessive! Remember what Kiryu-senpai said? He'll only think of you as nothing but his possession!_

"SHUT UP!"

_Your family is leaving you! Your brother's busy with his boyfriend and your sister just starts dating! And you...? You're left alone with bad thoughts like me, and who knows wheter Aikawa loves you or not?_

"SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Then all was dark.

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><p><em><span>...You do know that I have Aikawa, whose strength and stubbornness were enough to pull me out the hell where you've trapped me in. Every day (every day, Sensei!) he chased me in the corridors, and I don't need to tell you how much he gave me his letters. But my family was just as incredible. I won't thank you of what you did, but I had to be grateful that what you've done made me able to open up to people around me. People who really love me. They were, and still are, my saviour...<span>_

* * *

><p>When Nanao woke up, he saw the usual white ceiling of a hospital. The second thing he noticed was his bandaged, numb arms.<p>

"Damn it. They've found out," he muttered.

"Oh, you're awake," a voice greeted from behind him. Nanao turned and saw Hajime walking in the half-open door, wearing a long white coat which made him look like an actual doctor. He was smiling but his eyes remained serious. "Feeling better?"

Nanao only nodded. Hajime gave a nod back and sat on the nearest chair.

"I know what happened."

Nanao flinched. _Who on earth told him?_

"I might be a mere school nurse or a health teacher, but I studied basic psychology. Maybe I can help you," Hajime started, but he didn't leant over to Nanao like what Kuon or his siblings would've done. Nanao liked that. "Alright, I have to admit I don't know what _precisely_ happened to you, but you can trust me. You can tell me everything, and I won't hate you for the molestation you've gone through."

Nanao swallowed, realizing that he had no choice. His secret for three months had blown up, and this was the only person who was calm and collected enough (him and Kuon, but Nanao didn't want to see him just yet) for him to count on. "How," he finally spoke. "...do you know it was...well...?"

"You're petrified when someone touches you." Hajime sounded calm and even though the words of fact from his mouth were horrible, Nanao didn't really feel so. "That was one of the main symptoms of a molestation or rape victim. You also broke up with your boyfriend and went into several of self-harm."

Nanao didn't answer. How much he wanted to contradict the words, but he knew Hajime was right. After a while waiting, Hajime stood.

"Just rest. Take this," he said as he gave Nanao a pill. "It's from the doctor. We'll continue this later, okay?"

And before Nanao was drowned in the sleepy effects of the medicine, the last voice he could hear was Kuon's from outside.

He didn't know why, but his mind kept its silence now.

* * *

><p><em><span>...I have Nee-san and her boyfriend Hajime-san, who's kind of like my private therapist right now. I have Mikado and his cheerful boyfriend Towa, Aikawa's youngest brother. I have Nii-san, Aikawa's older brother, his <span>_bentos_, and his sneaky boyfriend Yuu-kun. They're all amazing, and I know I won't be alone any longer..._

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><p>Many people visited Nanao. Early in the morning, Nagahisa came with his <em>bento<em>, and judging from his clean-cut shirt and trousers, he certainly dropped off in the hospital before he left for work.

"My, you're so skinny! Towa should've told me to bring more for you!"

Nanao smiled a weak one. "That's enough."

"You really like my cooking, then," Nagahisa sighed before sitting down. He continued to stare at Nanao while playing his thumbs, an apparent sign of discomfort. Nanao didn't like it. He was too used to see a panicky Nagahisa, not a nervous one. It unnerved him, somehow, making him sure that something was wrong.

"Kuon misses you so much, Nanao-san."

_There's something wrong, indeed. That Nanao-san nickname, not again_. "I don't want to see him... we've broken up, after all." The last sentence felt like bitter, even in his tongue.

Nagahisa only sat in silence, and when Hajime walked in, he hurriedly stood as if electrocuted. "Get well soon, Nanao-san. Kuon sent you his best regards."

Hajime replaced Nagahisa on the seat. "Morning, Nanao. Did you sleep well?" Since Nanao didn't say anything, he was the one who did. He talked about many things, and mostly about his days at school's infirmary. All of them are comical and humorous, and Nanao finally found himself smiling when Hajime told him about Mikado's cutely worried face when he walked in with a sick Towa.

"See you later, Nanao," he finally said as he rose from the chair. He had to go to school. "Call me or your sister in case something happens, or if you just want to talk."

Later that evening, it was Mikado and Towa's turn to fill the guest book of Nanao, if there was any. They didn't talk much—most probably felt the awkwardness of the situation even though Nanao had teased them a bit—and Towa only talked a bit about his newest cooking, but seeing them around was enough for Nanao.

"Nanao-san, Ku-nii wants you to read this."

Nanao refrained himself not to tear the paper apart in front of them. But because they looked they wanted to stay until he read Kuon's letter, he finally gave in. With a defeated sigh and shaky hands, he opened it.

If you need me, just call. I'm outside.

Aikawa

Tears pooled in his eyes and his hands acted on their impulse as they gripped the letter and not wanting to let it go. Mikado and Towa, bless them, walked out silently, leaving him with himself and his thoughts.

_You let Aikawa wait for you outside... in that uncomfortable waiting room._

That was what his mind said. The door reopened and Nanao heard footsteps. He flinched; he knew full well who owned that sound of footsteps.

"Nanao-san. Mind if I sit next to you?"

Nanao looked at him—finally looked at him this time—and realized how much he missed his ex-boyfriend. He looked down, nodded and he could hear Kuon took the chair next to his bed. Nanao could feel his stare on him.

"I've been thinking, Nanao-san... it was never my right to force you to tell me whatever bothers you. I have no right to do that... I only want you to be more selfish and regard me better. But if you're not ready or something... I just want you to know I love you the way you are, whatever it takes." Kuon paused and let out a sigh. Nanao knew he was staring at the bandages around his upper arms. He felt as if Kuon was studying every single wound underneath, every single stitch that was made to heal his body. Physically, at least. "Promise me that you won't do it again, Nanao-san."

"Hold my hand."

"What?"

Nanao placed his hand forward and Kuon picked it slowly as if it were made of glass. His hand was warm, as usual, and it reminded Nanao of their days together; Nanao's silly, seductive jokes, their kisses, Kuon's cooking, lunches together, a kiss on his forehead which gave Nanao a warm feeling inside him whenever he thought about it...

Nobody knew how long Nanao thought about this, but when he looked up, he could see Kuon's sleepy eyes. He realized it was almost midnight. "Go to sleep," he commanded in a surprisingly gentle tone. Kuon finally obliged, and Nanao followed him into the realm of dreams several minutes later.

He dreamt of nothing.

The next morning, while visiting with Kimiko who brought Nagahisa's _bento_, Hajime read Kuon's letter and smiled.

"He really loves you." That was all he said.

Nanao nodded next to the sleeping Kuon and smiled. Their hands were still entwined, and his mind spoke none.

* * *

><p><em><span>...I won't rub your current situation on your face, but I think I should tell you that your ex-wife came and told me you deserve it...<span>_

* * *

><p>After Nanao was discharged, everything went so fast.<p>

Kuon was able to come to his house again, but Nanao couldn't tolerate something more intense than holding hands thanks to his sudden panic attack. Mikado took away his razor and only permitted his older brother to shave with his presence. Nagahisa made his famous _bento_ more often, and sometimes asked the Shirahane siblings to have dinner with his family.

Everything seemed to be better, because his mind had stopped spouting out terrible thoughts. Or so it seemed.

Because his mind was no longer frank in its horrifying projections, nightmares became Nanao's new friend. Back then, he could hurt himself to silence his thoughts, and he wouldn't dream of anything. But now, he couldn't do it anymore.

One night, Nanao woke up with a loud, blood-curdling scream as he dreamt of a mocking Kuon and Satonaka's hands touching his body. His scream was so loud he managed to wake his siblings and an occasionally-staying Hajime. After managing to calm him down a bit, Mikado had to ask Kuon to come in the middle of the night, because Nanao wasn't able to hold it any longer.

After Kuon arrived, Nanao told them everything... everything he remembered that night. How he felt ashamed compared to Kuon's sweet ex-girlfriend, then decided to get himself drunk until the extent of passing out, and finally ended up awake in Satonaka-sensei's house, naked and facing the truth that they had slept together, even though he virtually had no memory of it.

Nanao could see that as he told his story with a surprisingly slow but sure mode—he felt as if he was watching himself telling it, as if he were out his own body, as if he wasn't the one with the... misfortune—he could see Mikado who was shaking with anger embracing Kimiko who looked like crying. Nanao wanted so much to shoo them out the room so they didn't have to listen to this, but he realized they had to know someday. He didn't want to tell it twice.

As for Hajime, he was listening intently. He didn't interrupt and waited patiently every time Nanao stopped and broke down, and when he was finished the school nurse only nodded and gave a smile. He knew Nanao was in no shape of responding any questions, so he only said 'be strong, Nanao, we'll get through this' and left with his siblings.

Meanwhile Kuon... he continued to hold Nanao's pale, clammy hands and stayed awake until the sun rose in the morning, hours later. They didn't speak to each other.

That day, neither of them went to classes, even though Kuon had to go home that afternoon. They didn't see each other for three days, even in the college, and it confused Nanao. Even so, he realized that he had no right to ask. He once locked Kuon from his life for months, three days wasn't a problem for him. And when they finally met, Nanao didn't ask and Kuon didn't tell.

But most of all, it became more bearable because the nightmares lessened.

"Excuse me... but are you Nanao Shirahane?"

Three weeks after Nanao told his story, saw a woman sitting on his porch when he came home from college. He nodded and took a seat on another chair.

"My name is Yui Matsumoto, and I used to be your teacher's wife."

Nanao knew whom she meant by 'your teacher', but he tried his best to remain calm. "What can I help you with?"

"Maybe you haven't heard of this, but he was fired, starting from the next semester. Your boyfriend... I know he's your boyfriend, don't worry. I won't judge. But what's his name?"

Nanao wanted to say Kuon was no longer his boyfriend but found himself unable to. "Kuon Aikawa."

"Right. Aikawa-kun along with his friends told what he did to the dean, and Satonaka admitted it before asking for a letter of resignation. Even though he's fired in my opinion."

Nanao stared at her for a long time, relief flooding his insides. "Is this true?" he asked eventually, voice no higher than a whisper.

Yui nodded. "He deserves it, Shirahane-kun."

Nanao was silent. But when Yui stood and told him she needed to go, obviously uncomfortable with the silence, he stopped her. "Matsumoto-san?"

"Yes?"

"If you meet him... please tell him that when I'm strong enough, I'll write him a letter." Nobody knew what could make Nanao say things like that, but it sounded like a relieving, freeing promise for himself. "I wanted to tell him what happened because of him."

Yui smiled. "You're a great young man, Shirahane-kun."

* * *

><p><em><span>...So, when this letter arrives, I'll be some steps ahead. Aikawa might've had proposed to me or something, you know by yourself how serious he can be. The one's certain, we're living together. I really love him, in case you haven't known.<span>_

_I know I'm pretty content right now, even though I'm still not really sure if he's just as happy with me. But he always tell me to be more selfish, and the only selfish thing I want to do is to keep him next to me..._

* * *

><p>Kuon asked him to move in together a week after Satonaka's resignation, which shocked Nanao to no end. Because he told him he needed time to think, the frequency of Kuon's appearance in the Shirahane household intensified. Besides that, everything went out normally.<p>

"Nanao-san," Kuon called one day, when they were in their usual study session. Nanao looked up from his book, giving Kuon a signal to continue. "I know we haven't really talked about...that night. I thought... you were angry at me, you know... about Kae. I've never thought of something like this happening. When you kicked me out... I was frightened. I was angry at you, and at myself for making you suffer like that."

"It's not your fault," Nanao replied softly, hearing the guilt on his Kuon's voice.

"It isn't yours either," his darling rebutted. _Or is he your ex-darling?_ Nanao never responded every declaration of love Kuon'd spoken since that night. It was ironic, because it was Nanao who said it the first. "You're not to blame, and he's gone now."

"The way you said it as if he were dead."

"But you understand what I mean." Kuon eyed him seriously. "Nanao-san, I'm not good with words, but believe me. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you, I won't hate you. You might think you're dirty or used or whatever, but I still love you. You're mine."

"'You're mine'?" Nanao repeated. _That sounds really possessive._

"And I am yours." Kuon came closer to the gaping Nanao and dared to kiss his cheek. Seeing no bad reaction, he slowly circled his arm around Nanao's waist, and Nanao felt the usual warmth. He started to tremble, but nothing else happened. No panic attack, no immediate urge to recoil. "My offer to live together still exists, Nanao-san."

"I'm happy with the things are now... but... can I..." _hope for more, hm, Nanao?_

"I've told you you should be more selfish with me, and you can ask anything from me now. And not to mention... that I think what we have now... it isn't enough. Stay by my side always, Nanao-san."

Nanao smiled and struggled to lean against Kuon without caring of his shaking body. He sighed softly. Living together with Kuon was something he'd dreamed of since they started this relationship, and now... he was certain not to waste it away.

"Well... alright. We're moving."

* * *

><p><em><span>...I hope you're doing fine, Sensei. Aikawa doesn't know about this letter, but Hajime-san does. Being fired must've felt bad, he said. But that isn't why I wrote this letter. I only want to tell you that I will no longer acquainted with you, and if you dare to come near me, maybe you'll prefer being poisoned by Nee-san. Her cooking is just indigestible...<span>_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Present Day<em>**

Satonaka sipped his tea as he continued to read the letter. He'd known the consequences of what he did to Nanao would be a big one, and he'd admitted and took his punishment. But he'd never thought the consequences he had to take would be _this_ big. He lost his career and there was no chance he'd be the same credible teacher he once had been.

He smiled as he read about Nanao's sister's bad cooking. He remembered Kuon and his friends in the dean's room, debating fiercely; struggling for Nanao's and his own's fates. Satonaka himself didn't try to defend himself, because he knew what consequence he had to take for what he had done.

Satonaka automatically admitted it after a while of interrogating; Nanao didn't even need to testify against him. He simply didn't want to see Kuon and Nanao anymore, and besides that, that was the only thing to prove his love to his student, to let him go. He remembered the dean's disappointed face when he confessed and Kuon's cold, killing stare, even when he'd won the war.

_Maybe I'm just as selfish._

The resignation letter came rather quickly. Satonaka sighed. Fortunately he still had some money saved. He just hoped he could have a new job rather quickly.

"Good for you, Nanao-kun," he said to the letter. "It was better if you not only show your good side in your relationship with that kid."

At least he achieved that, he was able to change that in Nanao. Satonaka sipped his tea again and read the last part of the letter before putting it on the table. He needed a nap, for a job interview was waiting for him this afternoon. Being a clerk seemed to be promising.

_What you did was unforgivable, Sensei. I wouldn't be able to say so months ago. But now... it's a different story entirely._

_Best regards, Nanao Shirahane_

* * *

><p><strong>FIN.<strong>

* * *

><p>AN: Hope you like! This is one difficult story, but how I can manage. Special thanks goes to Hermina05 who was able to keep up with my dryness of ideas in the middle of the night and of course Asha D who held this contest(?) itself! This fic got a special mention because I won the small quiz and Asha called it a sad one. Special mention, nonetheless! :)


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